Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Wedding Day: Vol. Two

There was so much to tell about Sarah’s wedding day I couldn’t fit it all into one post. And I was too busy to write such a long entry. So, where did I start volume two?

Somebody Get the Crisco, Sarah’s Dress Doesn’t Fit!

The damn thing fit a month ago. It was snug, but it fit.

Sherri told Sarah that she needed to drop 5 to 10 pounds just to be on the safe side. Not gain.

Amber (who actually works in a dress shop), and Brianna were there to save the day.

“Don’t worry Sherri, I cram ladies into dresses all the time,” Amber exclaimed.

She had even mentioned in the car ride that she knew this going to happen and that she brought a can of Crisco just in case.

Two Out of Three Isn’t Bad.

I had mentioned earlier that Anthony only had three guests. His guests were his father (Artie), his aunt (Anita), and his brother (Joe).

During the weeks before the wedding I had heard nothing but bad things about Anita and Joe. Anita was a bitch and Joe was a pothead.

I ended up liking them both very much.

I think Anita tells it like it is, and the young couple don’t want to here it. She made it very clear that she thought they were not ready to get married. But she was also there, on time, and supported her nephew on his important day. She was definitely OK in my book.

Joe is a pothead, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t likeable. And after spending some time with him that afternoon I could tell he was a good kid.

He mingled with the entire wedding party, friends and family. He gave a well thought out and touching toast to the bride and groom. And he was just pleasant to be around. I think Amber and Brianna really liked him.

I can’t imagine what his life has been like the last couple of years. His mom killed herself. His dad is never home. They fight when he is home. His big brother isn’t a great role model. And now he has to live with my crazy daughter. Hell, I couldn’t live with my crazy daughter. No wonder he smokes pot.

Sherri and I both agree that if the marriage lasts any amount of time and if the families get together more, we would try to invest some time into Joe too.

Well, I’m Glad I Brought the Bridesmaids and Groomsmen...

...By the end of the night, Sarah wasn’t.

There was some doubt whether or not there would be bridesmaids or groomsmen at all.

Amber, Brianna, and Joe had no transportation and no money for clothes.

My son Austin was the other groomsmen. He has unlimited funds!

So, you know how they got there, now you know how they got their clothes.

No big deal, at least we didn’t have to buy the wedding rings or the marriage license. Oops, scratch that, we had to buy that stuff too.

Anyways, all four of them were terrific. They were very sociable with everyone.

I was really impressed with Austin. He is only 14 and he handled the day better than a lot of adults I know.

Amber, Brianna, and Joe hit it off real well, too well for Sarah. She didn’t like the girls spending so much time with Joe. By the end of the night she had called both girls bitches and said she could have Joe any time she wanted.

Things You Don’t Tell Your Husband Until All of the Guests Are Gone

My wife is a smart woman. She didn’t tell me about a conversation she had had with Sarah a couple of weeks before the wedding.

It was the day after the wedding and we were back at Shelly’s cleaning up.

We were sitting around the kitchen table eating lunch when I told the sisters how good I thought both of them looked the night before. Shelly looked at Sherri and said, “I hope not better than the bride.” Sherri rolled her eyes.

I could tell Shelly wasn’t just making some off-hand comment; there was something more to tell.

“What?” I said.
“ Someone new to the family thinks your wife is hot,” Shelly replied.
“ Hey, someone thinks you’re hot too!” Sherri snapped back.
“ That’s right it’s going to be a threesome.”
“ Anthony wants some Sherri and Shelly action?” I asked.
“ Nope.”
“ Joe?”
“ No, that would probably be Amber and Brianna action.”

Silence.

“ No way...Artie? How in the hell would you know this?”

The conversation Sherri had with Sarah was about how Sherri was going to look on the wedding day. She asked her not to look better than her on her wedding day. Apparently Artie was teasing her about how hot her mother and aunt was and next time they came over that they should just stay the night.

Normally we take Sarah’s stories with a grain of salt, but throughout the telephone conversation Sherri could hear Anthony in the background egging on the whole threesome idea.

Guess who’s not coming to my house for Christmas.

Wrap Up

Believe it or not, it really was a nice evening. Sherri and I were very pleased with the outcome. Sure, there was goofy stuff, but what wedding doesn’t have a little drama. And that only seems appropriate when my daughter is involved.

There is a gallery below with my profile.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Wedding Day: Vol. One

Last Friday my daughter Sarah got married. It was the first wedding my wife and I have done. The first wedding my “minister sister-law” Shelly has done too. You could say it was our warm up wedding. My youngest Alissa is only 9; we have a little time before we have to worry about throwing her one. AT LEAST 10 YEARS, I hope.

There were some very good things to say about the day.

The place looked great. The food was tasty. (Tri-tip roast, potatoes, fruit salad, and spinach salad.) The weather was reasonable for the middle of July. And my wife was looking fine. The party was a complete success, and we pulled it off for less than $1200 bucks!

I say “party” because it was more like a party for the people from the bride’s adopted parents side of the family. Sarah hardly knew these people, but they “knew” her from all of the horror stories they had heard about her. They were there to support the rest of the family because that’s what good friends and family do. The groom had 3 guests show up, and one of them was 30 minutes late. Details about that later.

Everyone in attendance had a great time, except for maybe Sarah and Anthony. They expected more gifts and money. Sarah got mad at the bride’s maids. And they got tired and bored and actually left the party early. It’s not like they had any place to go; there was no honeymoon. They were just getting a ride back home to Anthony’s father’s place, where they live with Anthony’s father and brother.

Everyone else stayed and helped clean up. It was work, but it was fun visiting friends and family. It’s a shame the bride and groom couldn’t stick around to see what kind of family that they have married into, to see they got more from this wedding than just a few gifts and some cash. Hopefully they stay married long enough to figure it out.

I may sound disappointed, but I’m really not. We fully expected this kind of reaction, so there was no surprise. I was very proud of my family and the wedding they gave Sarah. A wedding that you know probably shouldn’t be taking place, but you do it because you are supposed to be supportive and it’s the right thing to do as a parent, even when that child has not brought much to the table.

I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the truth.

So you must be asking were there any “entertaining” moments or highlights to the day? Of course!

Tom’s Taxi Service

I spent a big portion of my day driving.

Brianna and Amber were the bride’s maids. They live in town by me. Both girls are 18 and live on their own, but they have no car, and the wedding is 90 minutes from here. They needed rides to and from the wedding. No problem, I happen to be going that way!

This was a good start for the day. The girls were a riot. The ride was very enjoyable. Unfortunately, I spent half the time apologizing on the way back for Sarah’s rude behavior. They were cool about it. They know Sarah is Sarah and kind of accept it. They are good friends.

My other pick up was later in the afternoon, 45 minutes to, and 45 minutes back. It was the groom and his brother! They don’t have a car either! And apparently Anthony’s father was too busy to take his son to his own wedding. At least he was going to give them a ride home. Hey, he happens to be going that way! They all live together!

I was OK with picking up Anthony, but annoyed that his father could not step up for his son and get him to the wedding. But I was pissed off when I arrived to pick up the boys and their father was home, butt planted in front of the TV. He didn’t even get up to introduce himself until Anthony made him.

At this point in time I felt sorry for the boys. Anthony’s father was a real piece of work. Did I mention Anthony’s step mom, the woman who raised the boys, committed suicide about two years ago after a huge fight with his father? It was tough watching the groom pace around the house while everyone waited for his father to show up. He was 30 minutes late to his son’s wedding.

And there is more about my new in-law, but I’m going wait. This post is long enough and I have so much more to share. It’s kind of like Kill Bill; Tarantino had to make two movies because it was too long.

And no, the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad does not show up at this wedding.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

He Would Probably Get Along With Mel Gibson. (Wedding Series #3)

I had heard so many wonderful things about Anthony, my son-in-law to be, it was hard not to have an opinion about the young man before I met him.

Here is a small list.

1. He is 24 years old and has already been married once. Sarah is only 18. He has lost visitation rights to two his two kids because of his bad temper.

2. He was kicked out of the Tay Center because he said he was going to kill his ex-wife. His brother is in jail for life because he killed a man. Sarah and Anthony were both residents at the Tay Center, she moved in with him at his dad’s place shortly after he was kicked out.

3. He used to have a job, but he lost it when his sister-in-law took the car she had bought him away. This would be the murderer’s wife, see # 2 on the list above. Apparently he was taking care of his brother’s wife in more ways than one. She didn’t like it when she found out he was shacking up with my daughter.

There are other things I could add to the list, but I think you may be able form an opinion from just that.

These are all things that my daughter has told me about a person that I’m supposed to welcome into my family. My opinion is based on all of the things that she has said, but she never mentioned this one thing,
“ Mom, when can you and dad come out and see me and Anthony?”
“I don’t know Sarah, probably on a day when your father and I are both off. It might be a while.”
“Can we come out there?”
“Uh...no. Besides you don’t have a car.”
“We could rent one.”
“Uh...no.”

I guess Sherri was on speaker because now she heard Anthony yelling from the background, “ I bet they don’t want to meet me because I’m black!”

Interesting, of ALL the things that we have heard, that wasn’t one of them, and at this point his skin color would be the least of our concerns.

“Sarah, your father and I will work out a time to go and meet with you and Anthony. Also, if I am on speaker, that is rude and I don’t appreciate it. Please explain to Anthony that you never told us that he was black, and you may want to tell him what you have told us about him.”

We don’t know how that went, but they are still getting married!

Like I had mentioned here, we met Anthony the night we looked at wedding dresses. I’ll be honest, I was dreading the visit. While driving to B.F.E. Sherri says, “ Slow down, we are going to get there too early.” “We could stop and get a drink.”
“We could stop and get two drinks.”

We attempted to do this, but the only place we could find on the way to B.F.E. was a biker bar called “Chicks and Brews”. I looked at Sherri and she said to me without actually saying a word, “Uh...no.”

Without the aid of a couple of “brews,” my “chick” and I arrived at Sarah and Anthony’s trailer modular home about 10 minutes early. The place actually belongs to Anthony’s father, but he is a long-haul trucker and is rarely there, like that night.

The Google Maps worked great, but it failed to tell us one thing, and so did Sarah, the last mile is all dirt, no pavement, just rocks, holes, cactus, and rabbits, lots of rabbits.

Anthony likes to hunt rabbit. I know that because that evening he gave Sherri a “good luck” rabbit’s foot and sent us home with rabbit pelts for Austin and Alissa. They were homemade and pretty nasty, but it’s the thought that counts, I guess. In addition to rabbit, he also hunts the lizards and snakes around the property, and he only hunts what he can eat. We definitely won’t be going to any barbecue parties at his house. I can see it now, lizards on a stick, kind of like those alligators on a stick in The Waterboy.

So, the inappropriate question running around in my head as we were driving up this dirt road was this, “How black is he?” I had to say something to Sherri, “ So you think he is going to be Rick James black or Derek Jeter black?” Sherri stares at me blankly, then says, “Who?” The answer really wouldn’t have mattered, I was just curious.

Well, Anthony was the whitest black guy I have ever met. As a matter of fact, I thought he looked a lot like my son Austin. I would have never known he was black if he had not said anything, I might not have believed him either. But since that night Sherri has met his father, and he is indeed black. His mom, who doesn’t live around here, is white and mentaly unstable.

After hearing all of those crappy things about Anthony I wasn’t expecting much from the evening out with him, but it wasn’t so bad. When Sherri and I were driving away from our visit she immediately got on the phone to tell her sister he was ok. I agreed. But since then Sherri and Shelly have had bad experiences with him and our original opinion is back in place. I won’t go into the “bad experiences,” this post has already been a long enough bitch session.

Believe me when I say Sherri and I take all of this stuff seriously, but usually just laugh at it like it is one big Jerry Springer show. I don’t write about it because I want people to feel sorry for us, I write about it because I think it is entertaining, like a Greek tragedy. The way things are going, some family member is going to accidentally have sex with their mom, poke their eye out with a crack pipe, collect disability insurance, and live happily ever after in a trailer in the middle of B.F.E.

How to throw a cheap wedding tip #3: Have your daughter marry a complete loser. He probably won't have many guests. At this point in time Anthony has four.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Shelly Is In the Building "Wedding Series #2"

ALL OF MY IN-LAWS ARE GREAT. I wish my wife could say the same. I actually thought about what a great family I was marrying into before I popped the question.

My sister-in-law Shelly is really coming through for us on this wedding.

She has volunteered her house for the ceremony and reception.

She found a lady at her church to provide flowers and decorations for $300. Doing all of the decorating is included in the price.

But the most interesting thing she is going to do for us is marry Sarah and Anthony.

Shelly is the family counselor for her church. She also has a private practice.

The church had to make cut backs, just like every other businesses these days. When they laid off a couple of ministers earlier this year she had to become the “family counselor/minister.” She really just does the counseling stuff, but sense she has the title, she got ordained.

This will be her first wedding.

I would guess half of the people that show up are there to see Shelly’s first wedding, not Sarah’s.

I don’t think the whole “Elvis” thing I mention earlier is going to fly, but I do think Shelly will be just as good, if not better.

How to throw a cheap wedding Tip #2: Marry into a great family that will always be there for you.

The Shiny Blue Bottle

My photo
Indio, California, United States
My 9-year-old daughter gave me a bottle for my birthday. She told me the shiny blue bottle was filled with her love. I'm not sure I'll ever get a better gift.