Saturday, December 4, 2010

Soccer Moms, Penises, and Dildos

The autumn soccer season is coming to an end, and it has been a fun season. Not just because it is fun coaching Alissa, but because my wife was able to come to practices and games. Sherri is so busy with work that it is hard for her to attend. She got to be a genuine “soccer mom.”

Soccer Moms

At the start of the season Sherri had to take Alissa to practice while I was working late. This is something she didn’t have to do in the past. I would show up with about an hour left to practice so she could go home after HER long day at work. But she would stay to the end of practice, not because she was that interested in practice, but because she had made a new friend, Melissa.

Melissa is the single mother of a player named Abby and her son Brock. My kids and her kids are now good friends. Just like Sherri and Melissa. I would say that Melissa and I are friends now too, although there are times that I find her to be a little too wild for me.

One of those times was at soccer practice. All the moms were gathered together, doing whatever soccer moms do during practice. Sherri and Melissa were being abnormally chatty and goofy, kind of like high school girls. If I didn’t know any better, I would have guessed that Melissa had brought a little something to drink. I would have guessed wrong, Sherri did.


Melissa has been over quite a bit the last couple of months and I have found one thing very annoying about her. She likes to text on her phone in the middle of having a conversation with someone, like me. Is she even listening to me when I speak?

One day Melissa shared with Sherri and me what kind of text conversation was going on while she was visiting us.

She has a male friend on the east coast that has known her for years. I guess he has feelings for her that he has never been able to express until now, with pictures. She showed Sherri a picture, and Sherri was speechless. “Hey Tom, want to see?” Melissa said. I looked at Sherri she gave me that I don’t know if you do look. Before I could think about it, Melissa had the picture of some guy’s junk in my face. “Wow, that’s shinny.” I said. “Looks like he shaves more than his face”

I have a phone and it has a camera. I have never had the urge to take a picture of my unit. It seems like everyone is doing it. I must not be cool.


Maybe it’s a girl thing, I guess, for the most part, dildos are. But I would think you would at least want to know someone more than a few weeks before you start talking about that kind of thing.

Sherri got off the phone with Melissa one night and said to me afterward, “Melissa wants to take me to Skitzo Kitty and buy me a dildo.” “I don’t want to know how that came up,” I replied.

Later in the week Melissa, Sherri, and I were at the kitchen table, talking, and texting, while the kids were burning stuff in the fire pit. “Hey Tom, you know what Sherri needs?” And she goes on to tell me what she needs and how to use it for maximum and multiple results.

I did not volunteer to go down to Skitzo Kitty with them if that time ever came.

Sherri talked to three other "conservative" friends about the invitation, two of them already had a little (or big) friend in the nightstand. I guess Sherri isn't that cool either, or I'm just doing my job!  :)

I’ll Miss You Melissa, I Think

We helped pack Melissa’s moving van and sent her back home to Florida last week. She had moved out here to be with her boyfriend. Not the texting guy. When he started being a jerk to her kids she decided to move back home. I can respect that. But I’m a little sad for Sherri because I think she enjoyed her friendship. She doesn’t have many friends outside of work, so it was a nice change.

Even though she made me feel a little uncomfortable at times, I will miss her and her kids too. They were fun to have around.

I’m sure we will keep in touch, but I won’t be texting her.

The Shiny Blue Bottle

My photo
Indio, California, United States
My 9-year-old daughter gave me a bottle for my birthday. She told me the shiny blue bottle was filled with her love. I'm not sure I'll ever get a better gift.